You asked and Phyllis answered! Read more to find out how Phyllis Fagell answered the following questions:
What drew you to counsel middle school students, and how has your background helped you work with this age group?
I started my career as a journalist, which I think prepared me surprisingly well for working with tweens. If a writer wants to tell a compelling story, they have to dig below the surface, develop an ear for dialogue, and earn the trust of sources by approaching them with authenticity, positivity and curiosity. If a source feels vulnerable or exposed, they're going to shut down.
I take the same approach with middle schoolers. They want to be seen--to feel they matter--so I start with open-ended, nonjudgmental questions. I'm looking to connect and discover what drives them. If they reveal a secret superpower, such as a knack for mediation or for drawing comics, I'll highlight that strength for them. Tweens are full of self-doubt and desperate for reassurance. When we convey unconditional positive regard and help them articulate their story, the rest usually falls into place.
I consider middle school a magical phase. Tweens toggle between acting like children and teenagers. They’re still impressionable, malleable and idealistic, but they’re also capable of making deep insights. It's the last best chance to turn out confident, kind, self-aware kids.
What do you see as the biggest challenges for middle level students both academically and socially?
Middle school is a phase defined by flux. The sheer breadth and depth of change is breathtaking. Suddenly, you’re acutely aware of how you stack up to your peers intellectually, athletically, physically and socially. Just when you feel most self-conscious, you have to spend all day, every day performing in front of rotating groups of people whose opinions you value enormously. The work becomes more difficult, too, so this is when you may discover you have a learning or attentional issue. A teacher no longer is standing at the front of the room saying, “We’re all friends here.” Unlike the work world, there’s no formal hierarchy, so it’s a free-for-all. You have to find your place in the pack, and you're probably going to encounter some meanness. You have to manage intense highs and lows, but you have fewer opportunities to burn off steam. There also are vast physiological and emotional differences among same-age tweens. Your best friend from fifth grade might ditch you because you still like to play with dolls, and they're more interested in experimenting with make-up. For the kid left behind, that's a real loss.
Do you have any suggestions for administrators when it comes to approaching discipline issues with middle level students? In many cases, there are teachable moments that can come with poor decision-making. How can administrators keep the relationship positive and help students learn from their mistakes?
You get what you give, so never treat a kid as “less than.” If they mess up, give them a chance to tell their side of the story. Don’t make assumptions. Validate their feelings. That doesn’t mean you agree or approve of their choice, it just conveys that you empathize. You might say, “If I felt my teacher embarrassed me in front of everyone, I’d want to call her a name, too.” Know that kids want to do well and hate losing control. If they’re making repeated mistakes, it's a strong indication that they lack skills. Give them a runway back to being a good kid and be forgiving. Remember they’re still learning.
I often use a few specific phrases. If you know a child is being dishonest, say, “I’m guessing you’re lying because you don’t know what else to do.” If they throw something, try, “I bet it felt pretty bad to lose control. Would you like to work together to prevent that from happening again?” If they dig in their heels when they’ve hurt someone, ask them if they think they were their “best self” instead of questioning their character.
Once you’ve started a dialogue, keep asking questions until you uncover their motivation. Maybe they wanted attention, or they acted like the class clown to avoid revealing that they couldn’t do the work. Or perhaps they hoped to impress someone they liked. Identify the root problem so you can address the unmet need. They may need better coping skills, a mentor, or more academic support.
Administrators need to hold kids accountable for wrongdoing and help them make amends. Tweens crave consistency and will bristle at any hint of inequity. But be thoughtful and constructive rather than punitive, and err on the side of transparency. Tell them if you plan to call their parents. Even better, involve them in the interaction. Give them the option of initiating the dialogue. These may seem like small gestures, but they convey respect and give kids a greater sense of control over their destiny. That alone will elicit better behavior down the road.
Transitions are always a challenge for students. What advice do you have for administrators on both ends of the middle school transition- welcoming them from elementary and then helping middle school students transition successfully to high school?
Adults tend to think big picture. We assume kids are worried about getting bullied or making friends or managing a more intense academic workload. Kids' main concerns tend to be practical or logistical. "How will I make it from one class to the next in three minutes without getting lost? When will I have time to use the restroom? If I do get lost, who can I ask for help? What if my combination lock won’t open? Who will I sit with at lunch on the first day? Should I get mechanical pencils?" The more we do in advance to familiarize them with their new surroundings and routine, the less they’ll struggle. Hold mock days. Invite elementary school students to middle school plays, concerts and athletic events long before they matriculate. Counselors and relatively new middle schoolers can visit elementary schools to dispel myths and answer questions. I know a few principals who hit the road to make home visits over the summer.
Keep in mind that parents are worried, too, and emotions are contagious. Administrators can hold coffees to meet with rising sixth graders’ parents and address their concerns. When school starts, they can use social media to post photos and information about their kids’ daily experiences. That not only will help parents feel more connected to the school, it will give them fodder for discussion with their children, especially if their kids have become less chatty.
When the kids arrive, greet them warmly at the door and fill the halls with helpful, smiling adults who can help with directions, lockers and frayed nerves. Consider assigning seats in the cafeteria that first week to ease the social pressure. All tweens need help with executive functioning, and teachers can never spend too much time talking about homework strategies, academic planners and binder organization. They also should be prepared to stop a lesson mid-stream to deal with a social or emotional disruption. No learning happens when tweens don’t feel safe and supported.
Beyond logistics, research shows that rising sixth graders assume their middle school teachers don’t care about their well-being or success. Teachers can explicitly state that they do want to see them succeed, self-identify as helpers, and talk about other resources in the building. They also can normalize discomfort by telling kids stories about older middle schoolers who were discombobulated at first, but eventually felt a sense of belonging.
By the time kids transition to high school, they have a greater sense of their strengths, interests, values and priorities. Many have navigated shifting friend groups and know which friends put them at ease. They’ve all taken a few hits, whether they failed a quiz, got cut from a sports team or were rejected by a romantic prospect. They’re typically more resilient than a sixth grader and better at self-advocating and setting realistic goals. So while eighth graders also benefit from opportunities to familiarize themselves with the high school setting, that tends to be a gentler transition.
In Chapter 1 you talk about the ten key skills. Are there ways the school can be working in partnership with parents to help students acquire these skills? Are there any you view as more critical than others?
I chose the ten key skills because they pair so well with the developmental phase. For instance, if you learn to accept others’ idiosyncrasies at an age when you tend to be mercilessly self-critical, you’re going to be more likely to develop a positive self-identity. If you believe that everyone deserves to be treated with dignity, then you’re going to think you're worthy of respect, too.
We know that kids’ creativity and confidence take a nosedive in middle school, so it’s a prime time to focus on fostering innovation and healthy risk-taking. And we know that suicide rates are spiking among 10- to 14-year-olds, so we can't neglect coping skills. But beyond these generalizations, we have to look at the kid in front of us. A child who gets embroiled in drama or frequently gets “fired” by his peers is going to need extra help making good friend choices. A student who never raises his hand in class is going to need more help self-advocating.
There are many ways parents and schools can partner to impart the ten skills. For starters, schools can provide parent education about the developmental phase. As educators, we have the benefit of working with a large sample size. We can contextualize and normalize some of the changes that tend to alarm parents. We can reassure them that no tween develops evenly and underscore that no magical mother or father holds the secret to raising a well-adjusted kid. We can bring in psychologists and other experts to talk to the community about topics ranging from executive functioning to mental health.
I'm also a big fan of parent-educator book clubs. When I wrote Middle School Matters, I included parent and educator discussion guides, but I never anticipated that I’d end up Skyping into meetings across the globe. Each time, I’ve been struck by how the simple act of coming together for conversation about the phase can ease isolation and give everyone a common language. As I often tell parents, the phase has its bumps, but there’s no need to go it alone.
Phyllis L. Fagell, LCPC is the author of Middle School Matters and a frequent contributor to The Washington Post and other national publications. She's also a columnist for the Association for Middle Level Education and writes the Career Confidential column for the Kappan. Phyllis blogs at www.phyllisfagell.com and tweets @pfagell.